beauty · blog · Inspire · Motivational · poetry

Lost Thoughts in March

When she breaks promises, it makes her emotionally unstable. Just the thought of knowing that she’s disappointed someone, hurt someone, or possibly scarred someone’s heart, leaves her aching with pain. “I care way too much”.  Her heart doesn’t know how to not care. Her heart doesn’t know how to hate. Her body doesn’t know how to walk away, even when she’s standing in the eye of the storm, she remains still. 

“Is it possible that I’m actually very weak?” Her standing strong and fighting, pleading for others to see her efforts, does that make her desperate? “Am I desperate because I’m willing to fight?” Is that desperation or care? Or do she have an understanding of life and the hell that we encounter here on earth, and allowing herself to be your punching bag so that you can heal… is that care? Would you say she’s deserpate? Is it wrong for her to want to heal you? To wish to heal you. Is it wrong for her to fight for you? Is it wrong for her to lose my appetite and lose sleep over things that can seemingly be controlled? Is it wrong for her to cry for you? Is it wrong for her to pray for your soul? And for your spirit. 

When she’s had enough and she wants you to change, can she speak about it to you? She prays continuously for others, struggling or not, because she never really know what anyone is going through. Is it wrong to ask you to care? In the midst of your storm, there is an equally vicious one she’s encountering on my own. Is it wrong for her to ask you to be there? Can you blame her for falling apart? Constantly overthinking, so she’s  turning to drinking to wash away  thoughts and sadness of you. Constantly feeling sick, thinking “Damn, love is a b…” wanting to have everything and nothing to do with you. What else is a girl supposed to do? When she’s dreamed of your face, saved sticky notes where’s she’s written your name, with hearts and prayer hands because both symbolize something deeper than just falling in love with you. 

Maybe she does care too much. Maybe she does think too much. Maybe she finds herself feeling a little crazy because since the day you’ve met, she’s been so stuck on you. It wasn’t the dates, the gifts, the cute pet names, the hours of conversation, wanting to know more, wanting to feel more without hesitation, it was just… just unexplainable. Lusting after your soul but not in a sexual way. It was his genuineness and love for God that made me so “deserperate” to stay. Those feelings, she cannot erase. Despite the many arguments, part of her wishes to stay. It’s hard to explain. “I’m not desperate, or insane, just a woman living with pain who wishes to feel that happiness and security again”…

Time doesn’t go back, it goes forward. Relevant to her life because she can’t run from the future, wondering if you’ll be there…  She has to run towards it. She could fill a thousand notebooks with thoughts and prayers for you. She could spend more than 10,000 hours thinking of the many ways she wished to have loved you. Love makes her vulnerable and very weak. Your problems become her problems, your wishes become her wishes… no engagement or marriage but she’s automatically synched. I guess maybe that’s why her relationships never seem to work out. Her expectations are too high, her heart openly gives over and over and over again. Her hands stay busy scrambling to bandage your heart. Her legs gain so much muscle and strength from running around for you. Her mind grows exhausted from thinking of ways to help. That is why love makes her weak. It’s not just something you can say and be done with. Love takes work. Love takes effort. Love shouldn’t be pain. However, it is possible to love through the pain. I’m probably just very old school and I believe in the “fix what’s wrong, don’t automatically move on” concept. Who knows? 

She may never get love right. She may feel like giving up, but she’ll stir up strength to fight… just enough. She may never feel your heart. She may never hold your hand. She may never see the glow in your eyes… but those memories, the softest most beautiful ones, will forever have a place in her heart. 

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